I reckon Ol' Tubby Joe Stottlemeyer had girls on his mind more'n all the rest of us ol' boys 'round the school-house put together. I swear you could'a busted that boy's head open and nuthin' but a bunch a little girls would'a fell out. Now I'd a been one of the first fellers in school to own up to havin' more than a passin' fancy for'em my ownself, but Tubby Joe spent all his time thinkin' 'bout them girls and that included study hall and Miss Cindy Lou’s history class.
Heck, I think Ol' Tubb even tried to join the girl's physical education class but they wouldn't let him in 'cause he couldn't jump good enough and nobody would take him when they chose up sides to play volley ball.
You might be wonderin' why we called him Tubby Joe. Well, his real name is Bobby Joe but he wuz a good deal less than skinny so we just called him Tubby Joe. At first he didn't like it much, but he wuzn't fast enough to catch us and after a while he kind'a got used to it and the name stuck.
Anyhow, gettin' back to what it wuz I wuz goin' to tell you. We wuz out on a hay ride one night and the moon wuz out about half way. It wuzn't plumb dark but it wuz dark enough to sneak a little kiss in now and then if yore girlfriend wuz a mind to let you, and Miss Cindy Lou Chalkdust who wuz settin' up front with Mr. Joe William Sherman, the agriculture teacher, wuzn't lookin'. Ol' Tubb wuz settin' in the back of the wagon with Sugar Mae Thompson. I wuz settin' right next to them two with my girl friend Clara Sue.
Well sir, things wuz goin' good. Mr. Sherman had done found hisself a good team of mules that didn't cause no trouble, and it hadn't rained in quite a spell so the road wuz good and smooth. Miss Cindy Lou had done moved herself over purty close to Mr. Sherman, Clara Sue wuz already holdin' my hand, and Ol’ Tubb wuzn't settin' too far away from Sugar Mae neither. I tell you, after a mile or two of that, it done got more'n a ol' boy could stand. By this time Clara Sue had decided that I wuz a purty fine feller and even had one of her arms up around my neck. Miss Cindy had done quit lookin' around at us and I don't think Mr. Sherman wuz ever lookin' at us to start with.
You got'ta know that Ol' Tubb wuz about the happiest I reckon I ever seen him. He had one of them satisfied looks on his face like a ol' red hawg that just got hisself out of a slop bucket.
Well now, everbody knows that good things like that can't last forever. Ol' Billy Ray Thornton had done snuck a quart of Millers Hi Life beer on that wagon full of hay and wuz underneath a bunch of it suckin' that Hi Life through a straw. I reckon he must'a been 'bout done with it 'cause I wuz sneakin' a look at Miss Chalkdust and Mr. Sherman who wuz settin' on a spring seat up front, when I saw Ol' Billy Ray's head come up through that straw right behind'em. Lordy mercy, things didn't look good, and they wuzn't.
Billy Ray put his thumb and finger up in the crack 'tween the seat and the back of that spring seat and pinched Miss Cindy Lou right there where she wuz settin'. Well, it could'a went two ways. The first way would'a been if she had'a moved over a little closer to Mr. Sherman, but it didn't go that way a'tall. It went the other way.
Miss Cindy retched back and come around with one of them round house swings and hit Mr. Sherman right up side the head. He fell off the seat and then down in the front of the wagon and landed on the double tree with one foot and the other'n went square in the flank of Myrtle the mare mule.
When Myrtle jumped, the other'n did too, and we had us a real live runaway on our hands right there. Clara Sue had her arm up around my neck and I know I would'a been choked plumb to death for shore if I had not'a pulled her a loose from me. I later found out that she wuz a little miffed about that. Sugar Mae turned plumb upside down and wuz a hollerin' louder'n Miss Cindy, and Ol' Tubby Joe Stottlemeyer fell plumb out’ta the wagon.
I'm tellin' you, it wuz a sight. By that time Miss Chalkdust wuz a tryin' to get a hold to the check lines to stop the mules, Billy Ray Thornton wuz laughin' his head off, Clara Sue wuz holdin' on for dear life, I wuz a gaspin' for breath, Sugar Mae wuz showin' her underwear, Ol’ Tubb wuzn't havin' much luck catchin' the wagon, and I don't even know where Mr. Sherman wuz.
We finally got things sorted out a little and everbody got back on the wagon. Once we got all this done, we headed ourselves back to the school house. Miss Cindy wuz settin' way over on one side of the spring seat and Mr. Sherman wuz settin' on the other'n. Clara Sue didn't want to hold my hand no more, and Tubb and Sugar wuz quieter than I ever knowed'em to be. I asked Sugar Mae why Tubb wuz so quiet and she allowed as how he wuz tired from all that runnin'.
It wuz quite a spell after that when Ol' Tubb got his "F" in history, but I don't reckon it had nuthin' to do with his askin' Miss Cindy Lou to sponsor another hay ride.